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WET DREAMS
Faced with yet another non-compliant patient, I was feeling
a bit discouraged. This time the patient in question was a fifty
year old, french canadian male. I couldn’t help myself so I
said, “I don’t know why you even bother coming to see me.”
“What do you mean doctor?” came his offended reply.
“You’re overweight, diabetic, alcoholic and have high blood
pressure. You eat too much, drink too much, and don’t monitor
your blood sugar. In brief, you never do anything I tell you.”
“That’s simply not true, Doctor, every morning when I am naked
in the shower I think of you.”
I hesitated, “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.”
“Oh no, its not like that... I see myself in the mirror and
notice how fat I am and I think of all the things you tell me.”
OVERCOMPENSATION
As a recent graduate, one of my first locum positions was filling
in for a local respected Family Physician. I showed up on the
first day full of diagnostic fire ready to fight disease and
stamp out pestulence.
Early in the morning I reviewed an athletic twenty year old
male who was off on a compensation injury for a sore neck.
“So, Bob," I said, "how's your neck feeling?”
“Well, it’s still pretty sore.”
I examined him and noted that he had stiff, reduced range of
motion of his cervical spine and that he grimaced with pain
every time I touched him.
“Well, Bob, what do you think about going back to work?”
“I don’t think I can Doc. At the Mill, I pull lumber all day
and I can barely move around the house.”
“Do you like sports?”
“Sure.”
“Any favourites?”
“I really like soccer.”
“Me too, it’s a great game. There’s nothing like the thrill
of a good match and it’s a joy to watch a really good player.
In fact, I had a game yesterday and one of the guys on the other
team was outstanding. He was fast, had wonderful ball control,
a great shot and he was excellent in the air. He gave our team
fits. One time he tackled me so hard I felt my teeth rattle.”
"Really.”
“Funny thing is, his name was Bob and I swear you could be his
twin. What do you think of that?”
“I think I’m going back to work.”
PEDIATRIC PIONEER
A young woman and her precocious four year old son were in the
office one day. She was complaining of painful cracking between
her toes. I examined her feet and diagnosed athletes foot. I
carefully explained the cause of her ‘cracks’ and the appropriate
treatment of her fungal infection.
Meanwhile, her son had been rummaging through one of my exam
table drawers and emerged on cue wearing surgical gloves and
grasping a PAP smear spatula.
He exclaimed with delight, “Mom, I’m ready to look at your crack.”
His laughing mother didn’t miss a beat and replied, “Not until
you’ve had more experience, dear.”
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