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Hope
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by Linda Tarry
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My
friend can't handle life on a daily basis. It eats at him,
causes him anxiety attacks and throws him into a reoccurring
cycle of obsessive compulsive behaviour.
He has tried to treat his disorder through many unusual
and unsuccessful means but, over the last couple of years,
it has become impossible for him to function in society
and, because of this, he finds his everyday existence both
perilous and painful. He feels like he doesn't fit in, often
wonders if the means justify the end and has considered
killing himself on more than one occasion.
Sleep, often, is his only escape and even then he ofen has
horrible nightmares full of darkness, indefinable evil shadows,
alien creatures, destruction and death. |
He is unable to work because he can't function in crowds.
He hears voices in his head and, because of his compulsive
disorder, he takes forever getting ready and is always late.
He is prone to bouts of depression and paranoia and the
slightest thing can set him off into a spiral of suspicion
and distrust.
He takes regular doses of medication for depression and
anxiety and can, if necessary, increase the dosage but he
has to be careful because taking too much makes him sluggish
and often feeling even more depressed and anxious.
In February of this year, his ex-girlfriend died suddenly.
Though she was only 35, she had diabetes and, due to complications,
had a heart attack in her home. Over the 4 years that they
had been together, he had helped her out on several occasions,
including having her hospitalized for several weeks to help
her recover from a diabetic attack. Though it was hard work,
he thrived on being able to help her. Her dependence on
him distracted him from his own problems. He felt needed;
a more productive part of society.
When he got the call about her death, he went into a tailspin.
He felt the anger and sadness that most feel when they lose
someone that they know well. But most of all, he felt guilt.
He felt he should have been there for her and he hated the
fact that, in the end, she died alone.
Her death has made him hyper-aware of his own neediness.
Like his ex-girlfriend, he hates being alone. He fears that
he will drive away those who remain in his life and, like
his ex, he will end up dying alone with no one to watch
over him.
I know that life is a voyage full of perils and risks. How
people deal with the everyday defines how they continue
on the journey. Some of us are lucky enough to live in a
world of light and hope. Others, like my friend, see nothing
but darkness and despair. Feeling alone can make all opportunities
seem unfathomable and pointless.
I hope that somehow my friend sees, at least, that he is
not alone. I am aware, however that most of the time he
doesn't. For him, all I can do is pray, and tell him that
I'll try to be there.
And pray that he believes me. |
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